The Notorious Jumping Frog of Utah County

Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn’t have no tail, only just a short stump like a bannanner, and it was the milkinest thing you ever did see. A gallon in the morn, a second midday, and a lastuhn right before supper. But it was the bannanner tail that made for the mess. On last Saturday there we were camping at the local Dell when my boy scout Johnny notices a bannanner wagglin in the bush. Now Johnny, he’s hungry on account of not being able to start his own breakfast fire and he decides this banana is just his ticket for a meal. Well he grabbed that cow’s tail and you bet that Sean Hannity noticed (Sean being the cow’s name) as a tail’s not meant to be peeled. So Mr. Hannity turns full tilt backwards and Johnny’s got no sense to let go. So off goes that yaller cow dragging a boy scout across the iced snow like a moth equipped with a lightening bug.

Now there’s a cabin at the Dell that plays home to a hairless dog that looks more armadillo than canine and goes by the name Flabby Armpit. The moment Flabby catches a glimpse of Sean Hannity tailing a boy scout he leaps into the mix nippin’ at Johnny’s feet, and now he can’t let go if he wanted to.

Meanwhile at the south end of the Dell the 11th ward was holding a women’s “Retreat!” (retreat from what? I asked and was answered with a glare) and they had just finished doily-ing the picnic table for the weenie roast. Hillary Duff-Clinton is the president of the 11th Ward Society for the Relief of Women and you can bet that she knows how to toss a potty (I think she meant “throw a party”). Well Hillary looks up from the doily-lay and sees Sean Hannity careening toward her with boy-scout-johnny in tow on his yaller banana-tail and a nude Flabby Armpit in hot pursuit. Several things happened rather quickly. Ms. Duff-Clinton’s vocabulary increased dramatically. The Society stampeded. Sean Hannity tripped on a doily, Johnny became airborne, Flabby leaped to avoid collision. The nude armadillo-pup landed in Duff-Clinton’s arms. The one-eyed bovine face planted in the weenies-on-roast and the boy scout miraculously landed on a camping chair that was occupied by marshmallows. That is all.